


Yearning

by DJ_unicornsrgr8



Series: Barry Fics [4]
Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: Depression, Emotions, Gen, No Blood, Reference to Hospitalization, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, and alcohol, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25594135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DJ_unicornsrgr8/pseuds/DJ_unicornsrgr8
Summary: “I’m worried about you, Barry,” Cousineau said.Barry didn’t look up from his clasped hands, which were trembling slightly. His shoulders were set tight and high.
Relationships: Barry Berkman & Gene Cousineau, Barry Berkman & Sally Reed
Series: Barry Fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814806
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	Yearning

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags! There is self-harm in the form of Barry giving himself bruises on his hands, but there is no blood.

“I’m worried about you, Barry,” Cousineau said.

Barry didn’t look up from his clasped hands, which were trembling slightly. His shoulders were set tight and high.

“I know you said you weren’t on drugs, but is there something else? Alcohol, maybe?”

Barry jerked his head back and forth.

“Are you sure? Because you’ve been off, even for you.”

“I’m not an alcoholic,” Barry said, gritting his teeth.

“And you’re sure you’re not on drugs?”

“ _Yes_.”

Cousineau held his hands up. “Okay.”

Barry exhaled. His hands were still shaking; he tightened his grip so his fingernails pressed into his knuckles. He could feel Cousineau’s eyes on him as the silence stretched out.

“I wish I was,” he finally muttered.

“I’m sorry?”

“I wish I was,” he repeated, the corners of his mouth turning down.

“You wish you were… on drugs?”

Barry let out a humorless laugh. “Yeah. It’s nice.”

“Barry-”

“After I… After Korengal, when I was in that hospital, they, um, they kept me doped up for a few days. It was fantastic. Best I’ve ever felt. You really just don’t give a shit, y’know? Everything is perfect.”

Cousineau didn’t reply, and Barry finally chanced a look up at him, expecting shock. Instead, his face was lined with pity. Barry recoiled, snapping his eyes back to his hands. The skin around where his fingernails were digging in was white. He shifted in his seat; Cousineau’s sympathetic gaze itched like a sunburn.

“Stop it,” he snapped. “I don’t deserve that.”

There was the sound of papers shuffling; Barry relaxed slightly at the removal of Cousineau’s scrutiny.

“You know…” Cousineau cleared his throat. “There are people who you can talk to, professionals, who can help you. There’s nothing wrong with seeing a psychiatrist. They can prescribe-”

“No,” Barry said, shaking his head hard. “No, I can’t do that.”

“They can help you feel-”

“You don’t understand.” Barry’s voice was strained. “I can’t. They can’t help me.”

“Barry, lots of people get prescribed medication to help with, you know, those kinds of problems.”

Barry’s knuckles were beginning to bruise where his fingernails were digging in. “I can’t. I’m not like them.”

“Nobody’s like anybody, Barry. Everyone’s different. And everyone deserves help, you included.”

Barry shuddered, ripping his hands apart from each other and wringing them violently. He took a shaky breath and leaned forward, covering his face.

“I know you feel guilty, but you have to look at the future, not at the past. Make your future what you want it to be, not what you think it has to be.”

Barry’s shoulders trembled slightly. He heard a sigh, then the shifting of a chair and felt Cousineau’s arm brush his as he settled into the seat beside him.

“Barry, what do you want?”

There was a pause before a muffled, “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“I just,” Barry’s voice broke, “I just want to stop feeling like this. Y’know?”

“I do,” Cousineau said, sounding surprisingly gentle. Before he could continue, the door swung open. 

“Mr. Cousineau, so, Nick was just saying that-”

“Um, no, _Sally_ said that, for Natalie’s part, well-”

Barry jumped to his feet, his jaw tight, and pushed past Natalie and Nick into the hall. He brushed by Sally as he picked up momentum towards the doors. 

“Woah, hey, where are you going?”

He ducked outside, exhaling and wringing his hands as he hit the parking lot. He barely got a moment of silence before the doors opened again, and Sally was hurrying towards him.

“Why are you out here? We’re doing that scene together in a few minutes! C’mon!”

Barry took a shaky breath. “I can’t do this.”

“What are you talking about? Of course you can! You do this all the time! We did a scene together yesterday!”

“No. I don’t know if I can do… _this_.”

Sally shook her head, her forehead wrinkled. “What do you mean? What’s _this_?”

Barry gestured to the building, then to himself, then waved his hand as if encompassing the entire world.

“ _This_.”

Sally stared at him for a moment. “You’re being ridiculous. You’re overthinking things. Come back inside, you’re doing the scene with me.”

Barry couldn’t muster the energy to resist as Sally grabbed his arm and dragged him back inside, down the hall, past the class, and onto the stage.

“You know your lines, right?” she said.

He stared back at her numbly, and she shook her head with scorn.

“Unbelievable. Sasha, pass me that.” She pointed at a paper sticking out of her bag, which Sasha hurried to give her. She shoved it into Barry’s hands and spun him by the shoulder so he was facing the others.

Barry blinked at his peers before his eyes found Mr. Cousineau, who was watching him with the same pitying expression as before. His stomach rolled; he swallowed hard, then looked down at the page and began to read.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Any feedback would be much appreciated :)


End file.
